Different and Weak

Gym was always a class I dreaded as a kid. Not only was I clumsy and not very good at sports, but I was forced to participate in team sports; forced to be on teams that didn’t want me there.

Yes, picking teams was the worst part of the day. It was usually for kickball or volleyball. Each day, it was me or Anna that got picked last, and it was worse when Anna was absent. I stood there, feeling shamed, staring down at my black sneakers, hoping that this day would be different from the rest; that maybe this classmate choosing people would finally notice me. I kept waiting and waiting to be seen. But it would always be the same. Sometimes there was an odd number of students and the teacher was forced to make the choice on their behalf. I stood there as he decided my fate and as the selected team sighed heavily when I was sent over to join them.

Those days, they didn’t want me because I was weak and I was different. I wasn’t good at kicking the ball and the opposing team would usually catch it right away. Sometimes, this made me relieved, because I didn’t have to run. Nowadays, I often feel relief when I don’t have to do something risky either.

Nowadays, I am still weak and different as I was back then, but I choose to label myself as vulnerable and creative instead. Now when someone does not want to choose me, I take a deep breath and choose myself instead.

I embrace my weakness, knowing that my vulnerability creates space for others to be vulnerable with me too. I’m shy and because of my shyness, others don’t have to be afraid of feeling shy too. My shyness flows and blend with other parts of me; like watercolor or emotions it comes on thick and then washes out into a translucent tint. Because I am different, I am okay with trying different things. I already labeled as different, so I might as well be creative about it. This otherness has opened a different world for me, a world that I had to create in order to fit in somewhere. It is an imaginary world, but I love it and tap into it when I feel like creating something new. I draw and write from this space.

Different and weak were once flows that I felt ashamed of, but now I know that that shame is not me. The world breathes in beauty now, and I am no longer afraid to choose myself even if someone else cannot see me.

Starving to Be Seen

It’s sometimes hard to notice that the person you’re trying your best to hide from is actually yourself. You know, that face you briefly notice in the mirror in the morning before work; the skin you judge for looking a little too dry or just too tired. This is often the only part of you that makes the cut into the all of the scenes of the day.

You run around worrying about everybody else to the point that you forget they you are not even feeling fulfilled. You are so full of experiences and tasks to be completed that you don’t even realize that inside you are starving. And you wonder: how can I be so hungry with such a full plate?

You are in such a need of fulfillment that you constantly look for little things to solve. There are easy wins like giving a friend advice or doing a chore for a parent that temporarily satiate this desire, but what creates a constant infusion of energy is dealing with situations that are simply unsolvable. These kinds of food for thought sort of entanglements are always eager to feed your mind with new ways to create thinking patterns that can keep you distracted for days at a time.

One way you can avoid looking at yourself is by constantly analyzing other people in your life. This is especially potent with romantic relationships where you are constantly worried about controlling the feelings of your partners. You just really want to know what their world is like and how you actually fit into that world. It can be puzzling when the situations are unclear, and so a lot of our insecurities get automatically triggered.

Instead of diving deeper into our own insecurities and figuring ourselves out, we tend to focus on how we are perceived by the other people. This is a story we can easily get lost in, as it consumes us and eats away at time. It’s almost like being behind the blurry lens of a dream, and this array of racing thoughts is strangely comforting, so potent that we prefer it over taking the time to see what is real here in front of us.

Anyway, if we get lucky and find ourselves in a moment of stillness, let us focus our energy on what really matters most. Let us try to see what it is that really has the potential to bring us sustainable fulfillment, so we no longer have to feel the need to escape from ourselves.

Running on Empty

I attend Tai Chi class every Monday evening, and I always get surprised about how well or how messy my moves turn out. I go there with no expectations, but at some points during class I either start feeling self-conscious or sometimes a little arrogant. In the end, I always feel satisfied with whatever result, as after two hours of practice, I finally recall that it is about the journey.

Tai Chi class is like a replica of a mini life, which I get the opportunity to relive each week. I learn and forget to get lost in the movement, and then I remember again. Thoughts are scattered through my mind and the wind inside of me blows them away. I flow, I make mistakes and laugh about them. I kick my legs into the air as my muscles hold me. I am balanced and could fall at any moment if I lose my focus.

I am always learning and unlearning. Bruce Lee said, “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality”. I am learning more when I come to class without expectations and don’t put too much pressure on myself. Those are the best days. The days when I enter as a new student, open to corrections, not afraid of being confused. Those days bring the greatest rewards and most surprises.

And so, I attempt to use this concept in my daily tasks. I wake up telling myself that I am open to what the universe has in store for me that day. I try not to predict how things will go, I take it slow. I remind myself that I don’t know everything, that even if I have vast knowledge of a certain subject, there is always something there I haven’t seen.

When I don’t have heavy expectations from myself, I don’t take myself so seriously. When things don’t go smoothly, I don’t have a preconceived reason to blame myself. I am gentler and can relax into the discomfort.

When something good occurs, I can feel the wonder with so much more intensity when it is a surprise. I feel like a kid again, as I laugh with amazement at how the universe makes everything fall into place without us knowing.