Poisoned and Afraid

Maybe humanity doesn’t need to be saved. Maybe most of humanity is already dead. They were given the choice between the red and blue pill, and guess what, both of them were just poison. It was just poison that closed your mind from anyone else’s point of view.

And now, all of your feelings and reactions are not even your own, they are just handed to you on a paper plate. You’re just continually at the same BBQ with the same people, that have the same beliefs as you and just wait around for someone to serve you what you’re supposed to think.

Then when someone disagrees with you, you get triggered, because the poison you consumed starts attacking your nervous system, and you can’t handle anyone else’s opinion. The poison is strong, I felt it many times myself. It really knocks the love out of your heart, and you start attacking – even people you care about.

People turn against each other, wanting to prove each other wrong, but they don’t see the human behind the mask. Yes, we are all wearing our political masks, designed in the fear factories we choose to subscribe to. We filter all of our information through these masks and simply can’t allow anything new to penetrate.

When things get tough, and I need clarity I turn to nature. I like to go outside just before sunset, which helps me reflect about my day or what’s really important in life. I try to trust my intuition, even when it’s hard, or I feel uncomfortable.

I don’t trust the mainstream media, since they have failed me after the September 11th attacks. I remember watching the news every night, feeling the fear from the Red and Orange alerts being injected into my body, being afraid to go to the mall, or to a concert. Months of this and none of the predictions from the media ever came true, but here I am, almost 20 years later, still feeling uncomfortable in large crowds.

I haven’t been posting on social media much lately, because I’m seeing everyone being judged for expressing themselves. People are shaming others for being too negative, or for posting too much fluff. People are posting misinformation just to prove others to be wrong, and not doing any research to actually make sure the information they are using to wage their attacks is realistic.

These are crazy times. Things that seem normal, may not be normal at all, but things that sound like they are out of this world could actually be true. Things are not just black and white, red or blue, we have to use our critical thinking, and tap into our instincts, tap into our human nature. We don’t want to act like we are already dead, repeating stories that we are fed by the media. Lets listen to each other and try to understand when other people are coming from. Lets not be robots that repeat the same phrases over and over without giving them any thought.

Disclosure

Sometimes when you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, the whole thing feels like a test. You want to share something with someone you care about, something that has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship and you wonder how it will turn out on the other side.

Was your explanation clear enough, or did you get too emotional and sounded a mess? It’s hard to make eye contact sometimes when you have a hard time being vulnerable. You might keep going in circles, making u-turns around your point, and what if the other person doesn’t understand.

The person tells you that it’s alright and that they understand. They even share a similar story of their own, either because they now feel more comfortable with you or just want to make you feel better. They even tell you, you’re being silly being so nervous about sharing “this”.

You say goodbye for the moment and go home analyzing the images in your mind. Could this have really been this easy or is there something that actually went wrong that I could not see? He said it was ok but what if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind. You feel nervous again bouncing between negative and positive emotions. You feel forever trapped in the unknown, in the unattainable mystery of other people’s thoughts and perceptions.

What if I get blindsided by today’s positive reaction, but he still ends up rejecting me tomorrow. Being open and honest felt so freeing, like taking off a layer of dead skin that was pushing down on me. I looked up at him and saw his smile of relief; his eyes smiled, and I saw that he thought I was about to tell him something worse. So at least I felt like I wasn’t something worse, like I wasn’t something worse at all. I was still myself for now, just a little lighter, just a little emptier. I thought about all the beauty that could fit inside now.

Starving to Be Seen

It’s sometimes hard to notice that the person you’re trying your best to hide from is actually yourself. You know, that face you briefly notice in the mirror in the morning before work; the skin you judge for looking a little too dry or just too tired. This is often the only part of you that makes the cut into the all of the scenes of the day.

You run around worrying about everybody else to the point that you forget they you are not even feeling fulfilled. You are so full of experiences and tasks to be completed that you don’t even realize that inside you are starving. And you wonder: how can I be so hungry with such a full plate?

You are in such a need of fulfillment that you constantly look for little things to solve. There are easy wins like giving a friend advice or doing a chore for a parent that temporarily satiate this desire, but what creates a constant infusion of energy is dealing with situations that are simply unsolvable. These kinds of food for thought sort of entanglements are always eager to feed your mind with new ways to create thinking patterns that can keep you distracted for days at a time.

One way you can avoid looking at yourself is by constantly analyzing other people in your life. This is especially potent with romantic relationships where you are constantly worried about controlling the feelings of your partners. You just really want to know what their world is like and how you actually fit into that world. It can be puzzling when the situations are unclear, and so a lot of our insecurities get automatically triggered.

Instead of diving deeper into our own insecurities and figuring ourselves out, we tend to focus on how we are perceived by the other people. This is a story we can easily get lost in, as it consumes us and eats away at time. It’s almost like being behind the blurry lens of a dream, and this array of racing thoughts is strangely comforting, so potent that we prefer it over taking the time to see what is real here in front of us.

Anyway, if we get lucky and find ourselves in a moment of stillness, let us focus our energy on what really matters most. Let us try to see what it is that really has the potential to bring us sustainable fulfillment, so we no longer have to feel the need to escape from ourselves.

Ghosting ~ a Reflection

It feels like butterflies, but it’s in a different area of your abdomen. Lower down, shame tickles you as you are about to cross your own boundaries again and make a fool of yourself. It feels obvious that the decision you are about to make does not hold your best interest at heart, but alas you say this will be the last time. And so you send that text asking for clarity from a person who obviously does not care about you.

You have already been ghosted days ago, and you have seen him on social media practically every time you go on. Obviously this person does not want to interact with you, and you should just use your energy to focus on yourself. Yet, instead, you decide to feed this person’s ego by sending another DM.

It’s like, your intuition has already got you convinced that he is not going to respond, but you want to challenge yourself – just in case. It’s kind of like a drug to go against the known in hopes of a different kind of high.

Being ignored is a difficult job to handle. You want to quit after a few hours and move on to something better. It’s the hardest thing to see the bigger picture sometimes. The next time the shame starts teasing you, close your eyes and zoom out into the vast landscape around you. The person who decided to try to reduce your value will start to get smaller and smaller, until finally you will see how insignificant their actions are.