Disclosure

Sometimes when you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, the whole thing feels like a test. You want to share something with someone you care about, something that has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship and you wonder how it will turn out on the other side.

Was your explanation clear enough, or did you get too emotional and sounded a mess? It’s hard to make eye contact sometimes when you have a hard time being vulnerable. You might keep going in circles, making u-turns around your point, and what if the other person doesn’t understand.

The person tells you that it’s alright and that they understand. They even share a similar story of their own, either because they now feel more comfortable with you or just want to make you feel better. They even tell you, you’re being silly being so nervous about sharing “this”.

You say goodbye for the moment and go home analyzing the images in your mind. Could this have really been this easy or is there something that actually went wrong that I could not see? He said it was ok but what if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind. You feel nervous again bouncing between negative and positive emotions. You feel forever trapped in the unknown, in the unattainable mystery of other people’s thoughts and perceptions.

What if I get blindsided by today’s positive reaction, but he still ends up rejecting me tomorrow. Being open and honest felt so freeing, like taking off a layer of dead skin that was pushing down on me. I looked up at him and saw his smile of relief; his eyes smiled, and I saw that he thought I was about to tell him something worse. So at least I felt like I wasn’t something worse, like I wasn’t something worse at all. I was still myself for now, just a little lighter, just a little emptier. I thought about all the beauty that could fit inside now.

Ghosting ~ a Reflection

It feels like butterflies, but it’s in a different area of your abdomen. Lower down, shame tickles you as you are about to cross your own boundaries again and make a fool of yourself. It feels obvious that the decision you are about to make does not hold your best interest at heart, but alas you say this will be the last time. And so you send that text asking for clarity from a person who obviously does not care about you.

You have already been ghosted days ago, and you have seen him on social media practically every time you go on. Obviously this person does not want to interact with you, and you should just use your energy to focus on yourself. Yet, instead, you decide to feed this person’s ego by sending another DM.

It’s like, your intuition has already got you convinced that he is not going to respond, but you want to challenge yourself – just in case. It’s kind of like a drug to go against the known in hopes of a different kind of high.

Being ignored is a difficult job to handle. You want to quit after a few hours and move on to something better. It’s the hardest thing to see the bigger picture sometimes. The next time the shame starts teasing you, close your eyes and zoom out into the vast landscape around you. The person who decided to try to reduce your value will start to get smaller and smaller, until finally you will see how insignificant their actions are.

A Life Companion

So, you’re feeling lonely, and you decide that you can help yourself feel better while helping someone else find a home. I’m talking about adopting a pet. You put on your favorite scarf, lace up your boots and drive over to the local shelter or animal rescue. There you make an instant connection with a certain cat or dog, and soon you are watching Game of Thrones together on the sofa. You feel like a piece of your incomplete puzzle has been rescued, and you both feel a sense of belonging. You accept each other, even with all your flaws. Life is good!

If only the process was the same when it came to adopting a human, well I mean, a mate of your very own. Imagine visiting the local pub, and there you see a group of guys or gals waiting to be adopted by you. You spend, let’s say, forty-five minutes, nursing a glass of Merlot and suddenly you meet the warm brown eyes of the perfect stranger. In that instant, you both make up your minds that you would be willing to share the sofa, maybe even the front porch while you drink your morning coffee.

Wait a second, no, adopting a human seems like so much more of a commitment. For one, humans typically live to around 75 at least. Dogs or cats usually make it until somewhere in the teens. Sure a typical pet wants to be nurtured, taken out for walks maybe, and might enjoy an expensive grain-free diet, but a human has needs. The family dog may require some scratching behind the ears, but a human needs to be held and caressed.

So yes, Joe from the pub looks just right. You take him home, and he tests out your sofa. To his surprise, the sofa is nothing like what he imagined it would be. It is quite small and a bit too soft. His bottom sinks into it, as he tries to make himself comfortable, while you’re in the kitchen microwaving some nachos for the welcome party. You hop onto the sofa, and your hips gently nudge Joe’s. He grabs a cheesy chip and the cheese gets under his fingernails. He licks his fingers.

It’s almost midnight, and you end up watching some shitty indie film about a middle-aged woman who has a hard time falling in love. Joe develops a backache from your overused sofa, and decides to call it a night. He does not want to finalize the adoption just yet, says he needs to explore his options. He apologizes for wiping his cheesy hands on one of the accent pillows. You sigh wishing you had an open bottle of wine, or something to make yourself a little giddy before bed, then end up laying down on the sofa making plans to visit the local animal shelter in the morning.