Poisoned and Afraid

Maybe humanity doesn’t need to be saved. Maybe most of humanity is already dead. They were given the choice between the red and blue pill, and guess what, both of them were just poison. It was just poison that closed your mind from anyone else’s point of view.

And now, all of your feelings and reactions are not even your own, they are just handed to you on a paper plate. You’re just continually at the same BBQ with the same people, that have the same beliefs as you and just wait around for someone to serve you what you’re supposed to think.

Then when someone disagrees with you, you get triggered, because the poison you consumed starts attacking your nervous system, and you can’t handle anyone else’s opinion. The poison is strong, I felt it many times myself. It really knocks the love out of your heart, and you start attacking – even people you care about.

People turn against each other, wanting to prove each other wrong, but they don’t see the human behind the mask. Yes, we are all wearing our political masks, designed in the fear factories we choose to subscribe to. We filter all of our information through these masks and simply can’t allow anything new to penetrate.

When things get tough, and I need clarity I turn to nature. I like to go outside just before sunset, which helps me reflect about my day or what’s really important in life. I try to trust my intuition, even when it’s hard, or I feel uncomfortable.

I don’t trust the mainstream media, since they have failed me after the September 11th attacks. I remember watching the news every night, feeling the fear from the Red and Orange alerts being injected into my body, being afraid to go to the mall, or to a concert. Months of this and none of the predictions from the media ever came true, but here I am, almost 20 years later, still feeling uncomfortable in large crowds.

I haven’t been posting on social media much lately, because I’m seeing everyone being judged for expressing themselves. People are shaming others for being too negative, or for posting too much fluff. People are posting misinformation just to prove others to be wrong, and not doing any research to actually make sure the information they are using to wage their attacks is realistic.

These are crazy times. Things that seem normal, may not be normal at all, but things that sound like they are out of this world could actually be true. Things are not just black and white, red or blue, we have to use our critical thinking, and tap into our instincts, tap into our human nature. We don’t want to act like we are already dead, repeating stories that we are fed by the media. Lets listen to each other and try to understand when other people are coming from. Lets not be robots that repeat the same phrases over and over without giving them any thought.

Let Yourself In

If it’s just me, it’s hard to see the details, and hard to zoom out my own lens outside myself. It’s hard to stand outside of me and watch me feel the things I feel inside. It’s hard to see my face in selfies that I take and to see my true expression in the smiles that I fake when I am trying to trick myself that I am not upset; that I can’t even get mad; that the reality is that I don’t feel anything and I make myself believe that this is true.

When I see someone else in pain, especially in a group or a community setting, their pain overwhelms me. I find myself swimming in it, in their collective woe, I am drenched in emotion, uncertain where I end and where others begin. I want to fight for them. I am angry to the depths of my bones. My bone-marrow boils inside of me, because someone else is being mistreated now, and I – I can see it with my eyes. It’s like a film, and I am connecting with the characters. The people are beautiful and weak like little shrubs blowing in the wind and I want to save them from their pain.

Their pain, it makes me so uncomfortable, and I want it to stop. But my own personal anguish, it is asleep somewhere; it is nowhere to be seen. It is not under my desk or in my jacket pocket, no, that is not where it is. I am numb to my own pain, perhaps is for self-preservation. Perhaps, the pain is having a very explosive reaction right inside; right behind some secret door. And it’s waiting for me to slow down enough to find this door, to find this door and break it down so the pain can come out and be seen. The pain would fly out and settle in the room around me like every feeling I ever tried to hide from had a face. Their faces would now be visible to me and could get acquainted with them. Each expression would tell me a story about when I pretended not to see it; why I pretended not to notice the event that happened.

Everything would become clear if each feeling had a face that’s tangible, a face separate from my own. And I can see these inner faces and love them; love them like I love the painful faces of other people. For now, I know the only way inside is from within. It’s frightening to close your eyes and look away from everyone else’s story; everyone else’s movie. But how can I meet all these invisible faces, if I won’t even let myself in.

Disclosure

Sometimes when you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, the whole thing feels like a test. You want to share something with someone you care about, something that has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship and you wonder how it will turn out on the other side.

Was your explanation clear enough, or did you get too emotional and sounded a mess? It’s hard to make eye contact sometimes when you have a hard time being vulnerable. You might keep going in circles, making u-turns around your point, and what if the other person doesn’t understand.

The person tells you that it’s alright and that they understand. They even share a similar story of their own, either because they now feel more comfortable with you or just want to make you feel better. They even tell you, you’re being silly being so nervous about sharing “this”.

You say goodbye for the moment and go home analyzing the images in your mind. Could this have really been this easy or is there something that actually went wrong that I could not see? He said it was ok but what if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind. You feel nervous again bouncing between negative and positive emotions. You feel forever trapped in the unknown, in the unattainable mystery of other people’s thoughts and perceptions.

What if I get blindsided by today’s positive reaction, but he still ends up rejecting me tomorrow. Being open and honest felt so freeing, like taking off a layer of dead skin that was pushing down on me. I looked up at him and saw his smile of relief; his eyes smiled, and I saw that he thought I was about to tell him something worse. So at least I felt like I wasn’t something worse, like I wasn’t something worse at all. I was still myself for now, just a little lighter, just a little emptier. I thought about all the beauty that could fit inside now.

Taking Steps

Yesterday, I watched the first dragonfly of the season jet over the giant puddle in the parking lot. The buzzy transformer was bright blue, like the morning sky. In many cultures around the world, the dragonfly symbolizes change, transformation and growth. We are now also in the heart of Spring, and the world around us has already practically blossomed, shedding its wintry gloom.

All morning, before my walk, I was dealing with racing thoughts, trying to breathe through them, and dropping into my heart instead. I drop into my heart and the negative thoughts shed like pollen all around me. The essence lingers there, it’s difficult to escape. They are fearful thoughts full of uncertainty and despair. I dive into my heart loving them for what they are, one moment at a time.

The dragonfly today reminded me that even though it seems like the journey is steep and sometimes I forget the steps, I know that this is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t have to judge myself so much, because I know that I am trying my best now.

Controlling thoughts is almost like trying to control people. It doesn’t work. I cannot manipulate my mind into thinking up different stories, and so I let it ramble on. I leave the chatter there but turn down the volume. I understand that it is just a podcast of my insecurities playing on repeat and remind myself that the point isn’t about coming up with solutions.

I breathe deeper into my heart, knowing that my fears are slowing flaking off and Summer will be here before we know it. I look forward to seeing more dragonflies doing their work, glistening in the sun – waiting for us to notice how far we’ve come.

You Don’t Know

Something unexpected happens and you feel surprised. You don’t fully know why it happened but something happened and it changed your routine. It changed the routine of your day and the order of your thoughts and it created different emotions from the ones you are used to.

Photo by Nik Ramzi Nik Hassan on Unsplash

Maybe there was a new surge of hope or a sudden stomach full of fear, nonetheless this emotion felt stimulating. Then, after a few minutes, the initial feeling of surprise started wearing off.

This is where the moment becomes dangerous, and you might start brewing up a story in your mind. You might apply significance or meaning to what just transpired, before you get the chance to have it actually play out. You might call or text a friend to quickly share your experience, before the tiniest details are forgotten.

You might start daydreaming and making plans. You could start feeling anxious and thinking of the worst possible outcome. Stop. This is the moment that will trap you in a fantasy of your own making, a tale that will prevent the flower of your being from unfolding in the order that it is meant to.

Take a deep breath and realize that the racing thoughts in your mind are just thoughts – you don’t know anything. You don’t know anything; the door is wide open; a brand new moment awaits if you just stop trying to control everything.