Tag: vulnerability

Disclosure

Sometimes when you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, the whole thing feels like a test. You want to share something with someone you care about, something that has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship and you wonder how it will turn out on the other side.

Was your explanation clear enough, or did you get too emotional and sounded a mess? It’s hard to make eye contact sometimes when you have a hard time being vulnerable. You might keep going in circles, making u-turns around your point, and what if the other person doesn’t understand. 

Photo by Romina Farías on Unsplash

The person tells you that it’s alright and that they understand. They even share a similar story of their own, either because they now feel more comfortable with you or just want to make you feel better. They even tell you, you’re being silly being so nervous about sharing “this”. 

You say goodbye for the moment and go home analyzing the images in your mind. Could this have really been this easy or is there something that actually went wrong that I could not see? He said it was ok but what if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind. You feel nervous again bouncing between negative and positive emotions. You feel forever trapped in the unknown, in the unattainable mystery of other people’s thoughts and perceptions. 

What if I get blindsided by today’s positive reaction, but he still ends up rejecting me tomorrow. Being open and honest felt so freeing, like taking off a layer of dead skin that was pushing down on me. I looked up at him and saw his smile of relief; his eyes smiled, and I saw that he thought I was about to tell him something worse. So at least I felt like I wasn’t something worse, like I wasn’t something worse at all. I was still myself for now, just a little lighter, just a little emptier. I thought about all the beauty that could fit inside now. 

Different and Weak

Gym was always a class I dreaded as a kid. Not only was I clumsy and not very good at sports, but I was forced to participate in team sports; forced to be on teams that didn’t want me there. 

        Yes, picking teams was the worst part of the day. It was usually for kickball or volleyball. Each day, it was me or Anna that got picked last, and it was worse when Anna was absent. I stood there, feeling shamed, staring down at my black sneakers, hoping that this day would be different from the rest; that maybe this classmate choosing people would finally notice me. I kept waiting and waiting to be seen. But it would always be the same. Sometimes there was an odd number of students and the teacher was forced to make the choice on their behalf. I stood there as he decided my fate and as the selected team sighed heavily when I was sent over to join them. 

Photo by Marcel Schreiber on Unsplash

    Those days, they didn’t want me because I was weak and I was different. I wasn’t good at kicking the ball and the opposing team would usually catch it right away. Sometimes, this made me relieved, because I didn’t have to run. Nowadays, I often feel relief when I don’t have to do something risky either. 

     Nowadays, I am still weak and different as I was back then, but I choose to label myself as vulnerable and creative instead. Now when someone does not want to choose me, I take a deep breath and choose myself instead. 

    I embrace my weakness, knowing that my vulnerability creates space for others to be vulnerable with me too. I’m shy and because of my shyness, others don’t have to be afraid of feeling shy too. My shyness flows and blend with other parts of me; like watercolor or emotions it comes on thick and then washes out into a translucent tint. Because I am different, I am okay with trying different things. I already labeled as different, so I might as well be creative about it. This otherness has opened a different world for me, a world that I had to create in order to fit in somewhere. It is an imaginary world, but I love it and tap into it when I feel like creating something new. I draw and write from this space.

     Different and weak were once flows that I felt ashamed of, but now I know that that shame is not me. The world breathes in beauty now, and I am no longer afraid to choose myself even if someone else cannot see me.